I’m gonna make Christmas cookies this year and, I’m warning you ahead of time, I’m gonna go gonzo. Usually, I’m a sanctimonious pointy-head bent on being a total bastard from about December 15 until sometime roughly in the first few weeks of February. This is not without a simple, though canny reasoning: People take their children out in public more often around the holidays and – as is a well documented fact – children pretty much suck from about age 0.5 until sometime roughly in the first few weeks of February.
And, look, I’ve worked retail, albeit briefely, and there’s nothing scarier than answering the dull questions of a six year old with seven dollars and an eighty IQ. No way, kid, really, there’s no Harry Potter in this corporate chain bookstore, seriously, at all, we sold all 273 copies right off the shelf this afternoon.
But I digress. The point of the story is, screw kids, I’m not gonna let myself be a wank this Christmas. That said, as I stated up above, I’m making some cookies to brighten up and busy up the increasingly enervating December days.
Keep in mind though, that I’m not content with mailing in the cookie baking, if you will. Rather, I plan to go ape by making cookies that require numerous steps, different dyes, a panoply of ingredients, etc. In other words, I’m a mad scientist hellbent on total cookie domination. You will all bow to me in my cookie greatness, especially the damn stupid kids.
So…maybe I’m rechanelling my holiday angst (and manifest sociopathy) in the form of pretty and sweet tasty treats. Good trade, I say, I think, maybe…but anyway, no hesitations!
I’ve settled on a couple recipes that seem like they’ll be both awesome and very awesome:
1. The Red Velvet Black and White Cookie from Joy The Baker
Yes, apparently, this was a heist from Rachel Ray (who very much likes children), but these cookies not only juxtapose unlikely things (that, upon further reflection, make total sense together), but require about fourteen different steps to make. Perfect.
Also, might I add, Joy, you, the baker, there, with the website, are a crazy cookie makin’, awesome photog takin’ cutie. Tell me you’re not.
2. The Pinwheel Cookie from Family Fun Dot Com
Any recipe that involves rolling “logs” comprised of “inverted” layers of dough is pretty much good enough for me. The fact that these cookies can double as implements in my inevitable mass hypnosis camps is only something I’ll just have to make a mental note about.
3. The Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookie from a Minneapolis Couple Who Love To Eat And Cook.
These cookies, I’m guessing, would make the Pope weep. This week the Vatican, next week the world.